I
sometimes wonder about you, the person reading this. In my
time on MySpace adding some of you as friends, I've gotten
to sort of virtually meet some of you, and get a tiny glimpse
of what you're like. It's amazing how similar we all are,
even when we live continents apart.
I
have no idea if any of you have ever been to Los Angeles,
but if you ever DO come here, I'd like to lend you a helping
hand. Before you get behind the wheel in LA, check out the
following unwritten LA Traffic Rules. I think you'll be glad
you did.
1.
Red lights are really just suggestions that you should stop.
You don’t actually have to.
2.
The shoulder of the freeway should be used as another lane
when all the regular lanes are filled with traffic.
3.
Turn signals should never be used. They give away your intentions
to other drivers who will then exploit you.
4.
If
your car is too large for a “compact” space, just
take two.
5.
If your car cost more than the GNP of Cambodia, you always
get the right of way. You’ve earned it.
6.
Don’t waste all that time you spend in traffic. There
are many ways to put the time to good use. Make important
phone calls, do your nails, watch movies, read the paper,
or write your hip new screenplay.
7.
Get ahead of the car in front of you by any means necessary.
The first person to arrive at his or her destination is awarded
a cash prize and a free pass to heaven.
8.
Close the gap between your car and the car ahead of you. The
closer everyone’s cars are, the more room there will
be on the freeway.
9.
Change lanes frequently, even if all the lanes are going at
the same speed. You’ll be more difficult for the police
helicopters to track.
10.
Ignore pedestrians. You’re bigger than they are.
11.
It has been scientifically proven that alert drivers can get
as many as seven more cars through an intersection after the
light turns red. Don’t skimp. The car to your rear is
depending on you.
12.
Crowd out those wannabe drivers who are trying to merge onto
the freeway. You were there first.
13.
Avoid city busses at all costs. Most of these behemoths come
equipped with destructive force fields that are strongest
to the rear.
14.
Truck drivers perform a valuable service by leaving gaping
holes in traffic ahead of them. Exploit these holes by darting
into them whenever possible.
15.
No one can see you in your car, so feel free to pick your
nose or your butt. Personal hygiene is important.
16.
You are only responsible for keeping an eye on the car in
front of you. Avoid looking further ahead, or to the sides.
17.
The darker your tinted windows, the cooler you are. Especially
at night.
18.
If your car breaks down in traffic, do your best to remain
in the lane you were driving in.
19.
If a car ahead of you is parallel parking, pull up as close
to them as you can get and honk your horn.
20.
Test your nerve by playing 4-way chicken at one of the many
4-way stops in the LA basin.
-Tom
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